i don't have a song playing in my head now, but i do have a lot of goodthoughts that are making me happy.

   on thursday i shared from Psalm 46 at prayer meeting and, once again, pm was a great joy. i enjoyed the small group setting that we had (onefour had a separate meeting since they didn't have extra math) because i felt that it allowed us to share pretty openly. and even though most of the time i was collapsing in laughter because we were all being super high and strange, it was still good to realise that when the time came to be serious and share prayer requests etc, the sharing was deep and personal. this weekly thursday retreat to our usual quiet corner is something that i look forward to a lot, because for me, it's a time to get away from the pressures of school and just think of God, and how He has been so good to me. last thursday, as i was going home, i remember telling woei xi, "these are the people i want to keep in touch with after the 'A's, because they've been such a blessing to me."

   yesterday, brandon, woei xi and i went for the carpenter tools concert and it was such an uplifting time for me. the afternoon started out pretty off though, because just around 1pm jeremy from yfc messaged me and asked if i was able to go down earlier to be a group leader. i'd completely no idea what he was talking about but i said yes because i was free anyway. when i reached there, i realised that they'd split all those attending the concert into different groups, and i had to lead this group of non-Christian hwach and rj people whom i've never met before! it was quite scary because i was the only non-yfc personnel there, i'd NO IDEA what i was expected to do, and my intention of going for the concert was to relax and have fun, not move people around and try to make friends with strangers. jeremy also told me then that if they wanted to receive Christ or anything during the concert, i was supposed to pray with them etc. i was quite scared because i've never done such stuff before!

   thankfully, everything turned out quite good. brandon and woei xi were very helpful, i realised that derek was co-leading the group too so i wasn't alone, and all the yfc personnel i knew were very friendly and encouraging. i managed to talk a bit with derek and i've realised that his a really nice person. and seeing janice, xiuying, jia ting, ronica, xin yi, jolene, jerald, vivi (!) and michelle was great too. even though i usually don't see most of them around, it's still nice to find out that they remember me and the whole family atmosphere makes me feel very comfortable talking to them. right now, i'm praying about maybe joining yfc's project serve at the end of the year, so yeah pray for me.

   i also managed to talk to most of my group members, especially the rj scholars zhe ying, peng peng and zhang meng, and the hwach girl michelle. i really think that it was God who helped me through, because somehow we all warmed up to each other quite quickly and i even managed to talk to zhe ying about God during the interval when we'd to discuss the skits presented during the concert. that time really taught me what it means to "preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season" (2 Timothy 4:2). i was very moved by brad (the keyboardist) testimony, and the Gospel skit they did was good for me because it really brought me back to basics and reminded me of the reason why i am a Christian.

   haha so overall, as can be seen, yesterday's concert was tremendously uplifting for me. i just wished they'd played more. but still, it was quite fun to go all fangirly and handphone-wavey when the verycute guy singer sang tong2hua4. :D

   today, my darling and i went for ice-cream and we talked a lot. it was very good to catch up after almost 2 weeks (?) plus of not seeing other in church. on our way back to church, i remember telling her, "every time i become ungrateful at God, i force myself to sit down and think of all that He has blessed me with this year, and i can no longer say that He doesn't love me." it's true! when i think of the friends He has blessed me with, the many occasions when He has brought me up from the depths of lowness and despair, i can't help but say that God is truly great.

All of my days I will sing of Your greatness

All of my days I will speak of Your grace

All of my days I will tell of Your wondrous love

Your love in my life, Your love

   this is the song that prompted me to type this long entry, because God reminded me during service today that i need to "tell" people of what He has done for me, instead of always being gloomy and wanting more. even though i've a heap of work left undone, i'm still feeling peaceful and thankful right now. :)

   come to think of it, i don't really know what my title really means. but anyway i'm typing on Othello now haha and the whole family's asleep. i'm also having rather interesting conversations right now, which are periodically making me go "AHHHHHHH!" urgh.

   anyway, today we'd quite a good time during prayer meeting: worshipping God with some songs, a time of open sharing and discussing some issues, prayer, catching up with good friends... i never fail to thank God for pm because it's such a tremendous encouragement to me, and even the fact that we'd pm today was encouraging too! i liked how we went around to share things we wanted to thank God for today, because i think too often we focus on what we want others to pray for us, and forget the many moments when we have already experienced God's blessings.

   i shared from this passage today (it was totally off-the-cuff but still i hope that it encouraged people). "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

   i think it's very apt because very often God is not the treasure in my jar of clay. even though i might behave and say stuff that makes it sound like He is the centre of my life, yet i know that when it comes down to the crunch, He still isn't, somehow, and that makes me very upset. i want the humility to say that "this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us". the part about being hard-pressed and not crushed etc is something that i want to remember in the coming weeks, even though often it might not feel like it.

   this blog is turning into a song-blog of sorts. but ohwell, i like it that way.

You are my strength when I am weak

You are the treasure that I seek

You are my all in all

Seeking You as a precious jewel

Lord to give up I'll be a fool

You are my all in all

*Jesus, Lamb of God

Worthy is Your Name

Jesus, Lamb of God

Worthy is Your Name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame

Rising again I'll bless Your Name

You are my all in all

When I fall down You pick me up

When I am dry You fill my cup

You are my all in all

"all of You is more than enough for all of me"

   time has been slipping past very quickly these few weeks, and it's scary to think of how much work i've left, and how little time there is. but i've also been periodically encouraged by God, through QT, songs, and often through friends. i'm trying to live by the above quote from a song, that God is more than enough for me, even though sometimes it seems totally incomprehensible from the world's point of view. i dunno, nowadays it's starting to get easier to get sucked into the mugging-worrying atmosphere in class, and just completely forget God, and i really don't want that to happen. i want to be a Christian before being a student, odd as it might seem.

   i've been trying to pray more often now, like just telling God that i'm tired and i don't understand econs and to please help me stay awake through the lesson, and thankfully it has helped quite a bit. but also sometimes i wonder, if i was God, how would i feel to have these humans forever telling me that they're tired, worried, too busy to do anything, and yet they expect me to give them what they want? so yeah that's why i've also tried to think of happy things to thank God for, because i've grown to realise that prayertime is not just a chance for me to whine at God, but it should also be a time for me to thank Him for all the small blessings in my life.

   and songs keep floating in my head too, which is a very good thing because the lyrics often remind me of who He is. one of the nicest songs i've ever heard is "I have a Maker", which is a new song that we sang at youth last saturday. somehow knowing that someone made me, that i'm not just an accident/alien/whatever else makes me feel comforted, because it also means that someone knows me better, and more, than i can ever know myself. and that my life has a point after all, that all my slogging now will bring me somewhere, and it will benefit someone - not just me. it's a beautiful song that brings lovely images to my mind, and that's why i've been singing it a lot in my head.

I have a Maker

He formed my heart

Before even time began

My life was in His hands

*He knows my name

He knows my every thought

He sees each tear that falls

And He hears me when I call

I have a Father

He calls me His own

He'll never leave me

No matter where I go

EDIT: ld jts pics at www.shutterfly.com, username shu_may@hotmail.com, password is shutterfly. :D

   today i led youth worship again, and it has left me with a lot to thank God for, and also a lot to think about. it has felt like a really long process this week, right from that conversation over lunch on friday, but i thank God that through it all He has been gracious, and has taught me many things. indeed, one of my most precious thoughts on this worship session is the fact that this week, God has been so real to me every single night during QT, and that has helped a lot. i also thank Him for the friends who've supported me during this week, with verses, prayers and so much more, that really i can only say that God has been the one who has brought me through this week, and no one else. i've also had to deal with the issue of pride in my service, and even though i can't say that it's completely gone, i guess i'm still learning.

   right now, i can't seem to stop singing! like a stray thought or word will trigger off worship songs in my head, and so i end up scribbling a lot of lyrics in my class notes. i also wrote a song last sunday! haha sang it to some friends during the week.

   actually, i don't really know what to say here anymore, because i've been reflecting less and less, as i make more Studying Noises heh. as it is, these still remain as Noises sadly, even as i see people around me charging ahead at fullspeed. somehow i just can't seem to sit down and study, because i tend to wander around my house or sleep instead. but yeah, even boobok has been neglected recently. i dunno, i guess that maybe it's also because my life has been pretty mundane, save for a few interesting and special conversations, and so i've not had much to blog about. haha and maybe pure laziness plays a part too, because after a while my thinking about blogging tends to peter off.

   so anyway i think i shall go off to bed now, with beautiful Happy Songs ringing in my head. :)

I'll sing Your praises forever

Deeper in love with You

Here in Your courts where I'm close to Your throne

I've found where I belong

   i've not blogged here for so long. anyway, i'm waiting for my pictures to load so shall type something here. actually, the fact is that recently i've been going out too much to have any time to reflect on things, and so i guess that explains the recent dearth of entries. though it seems like this won't continue because everyone around me has (sigh) started mugging for prelims. i don't want to start studying because i keep telling myself that actually my papers barely ended one week ago, and right now i've to start all over again.

   we've been getting back our blocks results recently and i guess overall, i've much to thank God for. for the good and the bad, because even in the bad times God has still helped me to realise that i've friends who will set aside time to listen to me talk, and that has helped a lot.

   it's july and the university bug has hit everyone in class, which leaves me feeling kinda sad. i really hate it that right now all we ever talk about is universities and scholarships, because really there's so much more to life. and i dunno, i don't see how worrying over it will make a uni place fall into your lap. sometimes i feel kinda sad that most of my close friends are from class, because it means that inevitably most of our conversations will drift back to the sameold uni stuff, but i don't want that at all. i dunno, i guess this is the month when people start seeming less real because they start hiding behind books and study plans. and i really don't see how studying can be any less painful than it already is, especially since it is going to be spread out over the next five months.

Take My hand and walk where I lead

Keep Your eyes on Me alone

Don't you say why were the old days better

Just because you're scared of the unknown

   this song popped into my head yesterday, just after i'd gone to see barnard and was feeling a bit morose about things. i guess it all boils down to how i do not want to think about my future, how i just want to live happily in the present, with my friends and family around me. there are so many things that i do not know and really sometimes it's just so overwhelming that all i want to have is the mind-numbing routine of going to school, having cca and then coming home to sleep. curling up on my mattress with my comfy bolster and hiding under the blankets because the aircon is too cold again. trying to plump up my pillow because it's too flat. i dunno, i just want to do the small things that make me happy.

   Won't You Lord, take a look at our hands

Everything we have, use it for Your plans

Won't You Lord, take a look at our hearts

Mould it, refine it, as You set us apart

   i just realised that the lyrics are grammatically wrong! haha. but anyway, one entire month has passed and on reflection, i'm thankful for it because it really gave me a chance to rest and to draw close to God again. after Production, CAP and everything else, i was just so exhausted and really far from God. and yet somehow, even in the midst of mugging and the boredom that descended upon me in the last 3 weeks, i still managed to grow spiritually and for that i'm very very thankful. it's been so long since i've felt such joy in worship, such peace in my life, and such a passion to serve Him with everything i have. right now, i'm just ready to serve God again through worship-leading or any other avenues that He might call me to, and i dunno, this feeling of refreshment, of energy, is so indescribable and precious to me.

   there're so many areas that i want to explore in terms of service, so many ideas that i have brewing in my head, but i've learnt that i mustn't just rush ahead and do things out of my own strength again. i've done that too many times in the past, and it has always left me feeling very hollow and very tired after a few weeks. this time, i'm going to really pray about where i'll serve in and how God wants me to use my time. i was very challenged by the anecdote that Elder Shing shared yesterday, of the guy who makes decisions based on one factor: whether it will help him in his ministry. that is what i want to live by, that is the sort of devotion to God that i hope i will reach in time, with His help.

   the weeks ahead look so uncertain and actually there've been so many times when i've wondered whether trusting God is even worth it, because it requires so much of me. but i guess that after thinking back on the countless times God has been real to me, especially the many incidents when He has answered my prayers, from the big to the small, i feel that in the end, i can trust this God i love with my world, with my life and with my love.

A pure heart, that's what I long for

A heart that follows hard after Thee

A pure heart, that's what I long for

A heart that follows hard after Thee

A heart that hides Your Word

So that sin will not come in

A heart that's undivided

But one You rule and reign

A heart that beats compassion

That pleases You my Lord

A sweet aroma of worship

That rises to Your throne

   i don't even know why that's my title, it's just that i ate an egg for lunch just now and i'm feeling very full and random right now. today i woke up at a decadently-late time of 12pm and i ate lunch instead of breakfast. i watched Ambush Makeover while waiting for my mum to buy lunch home, and i read the papers, blog-surfed a lot and generally have done nothing for the past three hours. but as gab said, the day has just begun.

   now that my house is finally wireless (no more tripping over internet wires!), i've been spending more and more time online (and yet somehow gideon still told me last sat that he doesn't see me online much). and i've been very amused to realise that i don't even know 90% of the people on my msn list - their names, how i got to know them, how old they are, what in the world they're doing on my list. i don't even know why i don't delete them, maybe it's all in the hope that if ever i've to plug productions or anything, i can just spam them and maybe i'll get some positive replies. i remember spamming a lot of people via sms and email to come for production, and haha it kinda paid off because i managed to sell 35 tickets! :D

   but thinking of production also leads me to thoughts of my Money Woes, which is a very depressing thought indeed. if all else fails, i'll start on my $2 a day thing again. heh the last time i did that was when i'd no pocket money for the entire week, and i think i drove all my friends crazy because i kept obsessively counting how much i'd left in my wallet. things i need to pay for: my dog's operation ($200), a guitar (unknown amount yet heh), my drama Money Woes (i dare not count it!).

   four more days to the start of school! i'm looking forward to it because staying at home for the last 3 weeks has been immensely boring and i need to be around people again. and my post-blocks schedule is starting to look busy! i'm happy for that because urgh i can't live without being busy. things to look forward to: shopping date with darling, my exciting project (!), leading youth worship (quite scary because it's gonna be on the 3rd floor --> better sound system = larger band + more preparations needed + longer prac time + greater need to sing louder), prayer meeting (!), possible yfc gathering, ppp :D, and hopefully, i'll get to watch superman too. and i need to catch up with friends too!

   this has been such a positive entry! for the first time, my title actually reflects my words. and now, i must go and solve my Money Woes.

   back to my proper blog, where sentences are nicely-structured and where the orange colour makes me feel comforted. today i went for yfc meeting and it was really great! being able to get out of the house made me very happy, and i love to talk to janice because she's so cute and warm and friendly. jeremy shared on Isaiah 40 and it really helped me to put things in perspective somewhat, especially when we went through all the characteristics of God listed in the passage. it was just amazing and totally awesome to be reminded once again of who God is. because sometimes i get so bogged down by my own problems that i forget that i've a God who is my Comforter, Friend, the Creator of everything, the one who knows what my life's gonna turn out like and so much more!

   A voice says, "Cry out." And I said, "What shall I cry?" "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever." Isaiah 40: 6-8

   i remember sharing this passage during prayer meeting in march, sometime around our block tests. and today when i read it again, it still spoke to me, despite my situation now being quite different from that in march. the sense that even when i'm weak and unable to pray to God because i'm too wrapped up in my own problems, God still helps me to pray; the Holy Spirit even intercedes on my behalf... that's something that still encourages me. i guess these 3 verses also remind me of the fraility of mankind, that even though i think i'm allpowerful and that i can definitely go to uni etc, ultimately God's the one who's still in control of my life, and really, anything can happen. but the best part is the last line "but the word of our God stands forever". i don't know how to explain it, but knowing that there is at least one thing in life that remains constant and true and eternal brings me much encouragement.

   i was quite down last night, sadly, but in a sense it was good for me because God brought this song to mind, and it spoke a lot to me. the sense that even though the night may seem bleak and dark and unending, God's mercies are new every morning brings a lot of hope, especially in this period. :)

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases

His mercies never come to an end

They are new every morning

New every morning

Great is Thy faithfulness O Lord

Great is Thy faithfulness   

   i'm sitting at my computer now with a lovely soap smell wafting off my fingers, and i'm wearing the 06 black CAP shirt. (don't think i'll ever wear the 06 orange shirt, 03 yellow shirt and 02 darkblue shirt at home because they're my most precious shirts and i don't want them to fade in the wash.) and i have just spent 10 minutes exploring my new lj account which i created last night partly out of boredom, partly out of voyueristic tendencies. i think i'm gonna stick with smizzledizzle even though brendan keeps laughing at it because the orange colour is so familiar and warm. maybe i'll turn my lj into an online version of boobok, or maybe i'll just let it remain boringly un-updated.

   i wonder what i'm going to do with all my old tshirts (youth camp since P6, CAP since sec2, EL, hwach, production...). i wonder when i'll be unfeeling enough to throw them away. now they're all still hanging in my cupboard, unworn, because they're all rather ugly heh, but still kept because of the memories that i've associated with them. i even have my Science03 shirt! maybe when i reach 20 i'll throw all my primary school stuff away, and then when i reach 30 i'll throw my secondary school stuff away, and so on. or maybe the older i get, the less opportunities i'll have to collect objects that remind of me good times. though i doubt that, since i tend to keep almost every single thing, right down to my first movie stub that i watched with onefive people (that bad french movie! haha). it's quite amazing to find little forgotten things during my yearly spring-cleaning in dec. like last year i found all my old cards, even the pri1 birthday cards that i received from friends whom i've now lost contact with.

   this is so incoherent and rambly. but right now i'm just sitting in this bubble of contentment, perhaps because of the nice soap smell that still lingers on my hands, perhaps also because it's only 3 in the afternoon and right now today seems unending.

To keep Your lovely face

Ever before my eyes

This is my prayer

Make it my strong desire

That in my secret heart

No other love competes

No rival throne survives

And I serve only You

The love of her life is drifting away
She's losing the fight for another day
The life that she's known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child's broken heart

You're holding her hand, 
You're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
She's desperate for hope,
Darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you

*Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
'Cos His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait,
In a room painted blue
Little blessing from heaven be there soon
Hope fades in the night,
Blue skies turn to gray
As a little one slips away

You're holding their hands, 
You're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
They're desperate for hope,
Darkness clouding their view
They're looking to you

*Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
'Cos His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

The Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

*So love them like Jesus,
Love them like Jesus
You don't need the answers
to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them
and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus