for this period i don't think i'll be blogging much here. not sure if i'll shut this down or just let it die a natural death, but right now i want to reclaim some of my privacy, so yeah. great changes are afoot in my life heh, and i need time to think through them. :)

   "8So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me His prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, 9who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of His own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, 10but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. 11And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. 12That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." (2 Timothy 1:8-12)

   A good friend pointed me to this passage today, and God blessed me with a few thoughts on it.

   The first thing that jumped out at me was the line, "So, do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me His prisoner." (v.8) It made me ask why Paul had the confidence to say that we need not feel ashamed, and the answer can be found in the preceding verse, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." These three aspects are part of God's blessings, because He knows how difficult it is to live the Christian life well. That's why we can claim to have the spirit of power, because Jesus Christ has overcome the world, and all its attendant temptations and trials, on our behalf (John 16:33). "But take heart! I have overcome the world." A spirit of love helps us to face sufferings with gladness, because it reminds us that it is His love that enables us to "take heart!', to be like Paul and claim boldly, without grudges, that we are "His prisoner(s)." "'But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Lastly, an attitude of self-discipline helps us more in the day-to-day struggles with pain, because it forces us to endure trials well. I'm amazed that God will bother to bless us with such attitudes of mind, and also humbled by Paul's example. It makes me wonder whether I see pain, whether big or small, in the same way, that they're all part of God's divine plan to make me into  a person He wants me to be.

   "But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, 9who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of His own purpose and grace." (v.8-9) This verse starts out with a clarification that our suffering for God is only possible because He gives us the strength to. It puts our "trials" for Him in context, because it reinforces the idea that it is "not because of anything we have done, but because of His own purpose and grace." That is a personal challenge for me because very often I find myself taking pride in my service, when actually it is His grace that enables me to serve Him, and nothing else. This verse also exposes the  misconception that a holy life is equivalent to an easy Christian life, because here it clearly links "suffering for the gospel" with "a holy life". God clearly calls us to live a life that pleases Him, and this basically entails obeying His commands, building our characters so that we possess the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) and serving the people around us. The part about God having a special purpose for each of our lives reminds me of Psalm 139:15-16,

      "15 My frame was not hidden from You
       when I was made in the secret place.
       When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

      16 Your eyes saw my unformed body.
       All the days ordained for me
       were written in Your book 
       before one of them came to be."

   "This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, 10but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel." (v.9-10) I found these two verses rather difficult to interpret at first, but after a while they became a bit clearer. Firstly, it refutes the false impression of the Old Testament God being an angry, judgemental God, because it firmly states that "this grace was given us ... before the beginning of time." However, Christ was the one who came "not ... to abolish them (the laws) but to fulfill them." (Matthew 5:17) In addition, He "brought life and immortality to light through the gospel." I had a hard time figuring out why Paul had to include these three words, because my usual idea of the gospel is the first 4 books of the New Testament. But I guess that looking at the root meaning of "gospel", it literally means "Good News", and this "Good News" is basically the idea of salvation by grace through faith. Maybe these three words are included because the gospel, with its many books and points of views, further illuminates and clarifies the ideas of life and immortality.

   And that is why Paul has the conviction to declare, "That is why I am suffering as I am." (v.12) It is because he saw the value of the gospel, especially since it had such a profound effect on his life (Acts 9). "Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." The firm declaration of belief is something that I yearn for, and I know that I can only get that when I can say like Paul, "because I know whom I have believed." His faith stemmed from a deep and intimate relationship with his Lord, which is something I can't profess to have now. I am also challenged to know this faith I have believed in: what it stands for, how it can help people, and what it personally means for me. The nature of God as a Guardian and Protector is very comforting, but it also makes me question why I still hesitate to entrust to Him my worries. Is it because I fear He cannot help me? Is it because of pride, of laziness?

   At the end of the day, I think that all I can cry out to God now is, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24) I still need Him to bring me through, every day, and I don't think I can ever contemplate a life without His guidance leading me through. What I want to challenge myself to do now is to just trust Him with the things I worry about, and rest "in the shadow of Your wings."

"Give thanks to the Lord, call on His name; make known among the nations what He has done. Sing to Him, sing praise to Him; tell of all His wonderful acts. Glory in His holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always."

(Psalm 105:1-4)

   today i shall tell of what God has done for me this last week, when i was stuck in my muck of doubts and worries. it has been a rough period, because somehow i suddenly found myself unable to trust Him with the things i care about most: relationships, and my future. i used to be quite sage about these two, and actually a little prideful in how i've managed to trust Him with them. well, this week really humbled me because i found myself in the depths of despair (heh quite melodramatic), and crying out to Him every single night. it was frightening because somehow i just couldn't see God, every thing i read in the Bible was dry, i couldn't accept His promises at all, i didn't want to pray, i doubted whether He was able to forgive me... it really shook me because i was doubting the basic tenets of my faith (e.g. prayer, faith etc) and i've not felt so far away from Him in a long time.

   there was quite a lot of self-loathing at that time, because i saw all my sins in stark focus, and i couldn't get over them. i couldn't understand how God could possibly love me, even though i worry and get depressed every few weeks, about the same few things too. and i couldn't bring myself to trust Him with my relationships and future, because i told Him that i couldn't see how He could work things out for good, and so i wouldn't trust Him.

   but i thank God that somehow gradually He lifted me up from my despair and showed me that His love is far beyond anything i can ever imagine. His grace encompasses all my faults and worries and fears. i can't pinpoint a definite turning point, but by His grace, and with the prayers of my friends, He helped me to slowly see Him once again, as the Lord of my life, with infinite grace to spare.

   a significant moment was on fri morning, when i was sitting at the bus stop waiting to go to school. there was a puddle of water right before me, and an image of a nearby tree reflected in it. i saw that even though the occasional breeze would cause ripples to form on the surface of the puddle, yet despite everything, i could still see the image of the tree very clearly. God taught me then that His nature is like that tree: His glory is reflected in all the situations that i'm in. and that even though trials might sometimes cause my perception of Him to blur a bit, yet His nature still shines through - His nature of everlasting love, faithfulness, peace and grace.

   right now i just want to thank Him for lifting me up once more. this period has helped me to see Him as my "Restorer", someone who has restored me to full knowledge of His love again. it has also emphasised the importance of the body of Christ, because i say with full certainty that it has been the prayers of my friends that has sustained me through the week.

   shall end off with a song that touched me today, because it expresses my desire to remain humble and broken before the Lord. i don't want to become prideful again, i want to continually seek Him and trust Him with all the things i care about. i love my God :)

A broken spirit and a contrite heart
You will not despise, You will not despise.
You desire truth in the inward parts
A broken spirit and a contrite heart.
Lord, my heart is prone to wander
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here’s my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Your courts above.

   today i finally started on "A Gift of Pain" by Philip Yancey and Dr. Paul Brand, and it's been such an enjoyable read! i've not been so hooked on a book for so long, and now, with my severly-reduced attention span, it's quite a feat if i can read non-stop for 3 hours and not notice time passing. i'm barely halfway through it, but it's basically an autobiographical account of Dr Brand's life, and how his experiences have shaped his perspective on pain. haha the first chapter on the value of pain struck me so much that when my gastric hit just now, i was thanking God for helping me to feel pain, because at least it means that my stomach isn't dead or anything.

   one thing i like a lot about the book is how it meanders from encounter to encounter. it's really a very leisurely read, not like my previous book (excerpts from C.S. Lewis works, which was a lot of straight-down-your-throat Christian teachings). this one just tells a very remarkable story, and leaves you to draw parallels to the Christian faith.

   there're a lot of detailed descriptions on Dr Brand's medical career, including fairly in-depth discussion on nerves and dissections etc. which is all quite disgusting heh, but fascinating nonetheless. it brought back this sense of wonder and awe; i guess because i really feel that i am learning something new. that is why sometimes i still wonder if arts was the right choice, because so far nothing has sufficiently captivated me. somehow it seems as if nothing i'm learning now is really that new, i guess probably because stuff like econs and lit and even geog - all these can be seen in my daily life. i don't need a teacher to uncover these mysteries for me, perhaps just to delve a bit deeper into them that's all. but there's no sense of discovery, there's no sense of wonder, and that's what i really miss.

   my ambition was once to be a journalist working on the science beat, because i'd already known then that i was never good with formulas, but i just liked learning new things. i still have very fond memories of my sec3 year, when shuhui and i would huddle in the physics lab for 8hours straight, in utter darkness, painstakingly adjusting lenses and objects so that we could get the sharpest and brightest image. up till now, i still love my period of attachment with IME (Institute of Micro-electronics), not least because my mentor, Dr Victor Samper, was a very inspiring person. haha i remember him as this tall, bald Caucasian guy with the kindest nature ever - he'd answer all my questions in-depth, and never once did he make me feel stupid. the most memorable time ever was when we were at IME for a meeting and i suddenly asked him how a laser works. and even though i think we were pressed for time then, he still bothered to explain the elementary theory of quantum physics to me in great detail, and even paused to let me ask more questions. that day, physics (which i've never done well in haha) really lit up for me and i became so inspired that i went home, reviewed it and tried explaining it to all my friends the next day. i think that experience really encapsulated what learning is for me: not pure memorising, but cultivating a genuine passion for knowledge, for finding out new things.

   i still don't know why i was so involved in science stuff in rv, and yet i'm now in arts. it seems so strange, especially since i still really love science. i like how it pursues knowledge in such a systematic way, and how it encourages one to find out more. even though i enjoy lit a lot, it still doesn't evoke the same awe and wonder of discovery in me, maybe because the disciplines are so different. 

   i think that's what i will do, if i'd all the time in the world. i would pursue learning, in the purest form of the word. like how i thoroughly enjoyed learning tetun in east timor. that was learning for me: the fun of coaxing my mouth to form new words,  the challenge of listening out for inflections in speech and trying to copy them, the absolute thrill of realising that i am learning something NEW, even though it might seem useless. and even though later i'd to hunker down to slow and painstaking translations of tetun passages taken off the net, somewhere in me i was still relishing the challenge because it was what i really liked to do, and i could explore it on my own terms, without having it forced at me, bound and lifeless within a certain set of rules.

   maybe one day i could do this again. right now though, the reality is that i'm still swamped beneath a thick stack of Notes To Be Memorised. though sometimes i do get glimpses of the joy of learning, for example when white showed us pictures of the dorset coast, which is a superb example of God and Time working together, without any human interference. i think that maybe this is what compels researchers to continue in their little labs - the desire to be the first to learn. i don't have what it takes to be a researcher though (no patience, and hopeless at interpreting figures and graphs) but ohwell, maybe someday if i'm lucky, my job can let me discover. and learn. and just marvel at God's handiwork.

   And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those He predestined, He also called; those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified.

   What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Christ Jesus, who died - more than that, who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For Your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  (Romans 8:28-39)

   i love this passage, it has encouraged me countless times and yet whenever i read it, the wonder of God's love still strikes me afresh. i find it so difficult to comprehend that His love encompasses and surpasses everything, that NOTHING i do can stop Him from loving me. this love that has no conditions, and yet it springs anew every morning.

   this week i've sadly drifted a bit from God, i guess because i've been adequately prepared for the papers, and also because it gets easier to ignore Him the moment i start playing. i hate this state of growing closer to God one week, then drifting the next because of my complacency, and then coming back again because i realise how empty my life is without Him. i feel so insincere and hollow sometimes. :(

   thinking about the issue of __ has made me see how desperately i need God's wisdom. i really don't know what to do, or even whether i should do anything, because it's not in my position to pry or judge, even if it's wrong. but i also don't want to regret not doing anything, as i am sortof regretting now, even though i know that at that time i could've done very little. it's frustrating me because this is something i've no idea how to handle. and it's also forcing me to continually check my life and ask myself whether i'm being hypocritical in my actions, whether i'm being judgemental, whether i'm doing what God wants me to do. i don't know, i think i shall be mulling over this for the next week. i really really need to pray hard over this because it's so complicated, and because i find it very hard to know where's the line between rebuking in love and judging.

   and as my title says, this is what God has been telling me to do recently. to wait on Him, to wait for His plans, to be happy with whatever i have now. i guess i just need to trust Him more with every aspect of my life.

O Lord You've searched me

You know my way

Even when I fail You

I know You love me

Your holy presence

Surrounding me

In every season

I know You love me

*At the cross I bow my knee

Where Your blood was shed for me

There's no greater love than this

You have overcome the grave

Your glory fills the highest place

What can separate me now?

You go before me

You shield my way

Your hand upholds me

I know You love me

And when the earth fades

Falls from my eyes

And You stand before me

I know You love me

I know You love me

   "When Christianity says that God loves man, it means that God loves man: not that He has some "disinterested", because really indifferent, concern for our welfare, but that, in awful and surprising truth, we are the objects of His love. You asked for a loving God: you have one. The great spirit you so lightly invoked, the "lord of terrible aspect", is present: not a senile benevolence that drowsily wishes you to be happy in your own way, not the cold philanthropy of a conscientious magistrate, nor the care of a host who feels responsible for the comfort of his guests, but the consuming fire Himself, the Love that made the worlds, persistent as the artist's love for his work and despotic as a man's love for a dog, jealous, inexorable, exacting as love between the sexes."

The Problem of Pain, Chapter 3

~~~

   "Are you not thirsty?" said the Lion.

   "I'm dying of thirst," said Jill.

   "Then drink," said the Lion.

   "May I - could I - would you mind going away while I do?", said Jill.

   The Lion answered this only by a look and a very low growl. And as Jill gazed at its motionless bulk, she realised that she might as well have asked the whole mountain to move aside for her convenience.

   The delicious rippling noise of the stream was driving her nearly frantic.

   "Will you promise not to - do anything to me, if I do come?", said Jill.

   "I make no promise", said the Lion.

   Jill was so thirsty now that, without noticing it, she had come a step nearer.

   "Do you eat girls?", she said.

   "I have swallowed up girls and boys, women and men, kings and emperors, cities and realms", said the Lion. It didn't say this as if it were boasting, nor as if it were sorry, nor as if it were angry. It just said it.

   "I daren't come and drink", said Jill.

   "Then you will die of thirst", said the Lion.

   "Oh dear!", said Jill, coming another step nearer. "I suppose I must go and look for another stream then."

   "There is no other stream", said the Lion.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Silver Chair, Chapter 2

   last night i read Songs of Solomon almost on a whim, and it taught me quite a lot of things about love, and especially about God's view of it. today during service God gave me this thought: God is love, and that makes Him a God of love too. that intrigued me so much that i flipped to the following passage and the familiar words just came alive to me today. i thank God that in my search for His words on normal human love, He pointed me back to His agape love and said, "here. this is what love is truly meant to be."

   "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.

   We know that we live in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent His Son to be the Saviour of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

   God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement, because in this world we are like Him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

   We love because He first loved us. If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And He has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother." (1 John 4:7-21)

   i guess the main thing that comes to mind is firstly, the repeated use of the word love. my pastor once told me that in the original greek, there are three different levels of love: the normal friendship love, the eros love between husband and wife, and agape love, which is the love that God has for us. agape love is love that is complete, absolute, unconditional and eternal.

   "for love comes from God" (v.4) God is the one who helps us to love, because it is human nature to sin and go against him. this is also seen in v.19, "We love because He first loved us." i remember reading this passage a few years ago when i was preparing for worship one week, and i was just struck by how we have absolutely no reason to claim that we are holy because we "love God", because our love is only a response to what God has already done for us. We never initiated contact with God (in fact i think if left to ourselves, we would never have wanted to because He changes people), He reached out to us first. and that's just so amazing.

   "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." (v.8) the stark truth is stated here: only those who know God will love the people around them. i struggle a lot with this verse because it's such a tough verse to apply. there is the call to ensure that my actions towards others reflects God's love for me. in a sense God's agape love is a template for us, it shows us what ultimate love is, and then we try our best to translate that into the relationships we have we others. that means that in order for me to imitate God's agape love, however inadequately, i would need to know what His love is. and i find that looking at Jesus' life has helped me to glimpse a bit more of what God's amazing love is, because Jesus' life, crucifixion and resurrection is the greatest example of God's agape love. "Very rarely will one die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:7-8)

   God doesn't secretly love us, He shows it! "This is how God showed His love among us..." (v.9) that taught me to show my love for others more, especially towards my parents and my siblings. but it's always difficult, and God promises us one thing, that "if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us." (v.12) i think that's an amazing incentive for us to love others, because God will live in us, and even better, His love will be perfected in our weak and flawed lives. for me that just shows the depth of His grace, because i am now counted righteous before God due to what Jesus has done for me on the cross, and i have the chance to be a God-filled person. God has even given us the Holy Spirit (v.13), and reading that verse was a good reminder not to take the Spirit for granted, because He is God's gift.

   "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." (v.16) i thank God that we can rely on His love, we can look at His example and see how to love others with even more grace. ultimately, this entire issue of whether we should love those around us boils down to this simple question: do we want God to live in us? i've never seen it in such a stark manner, but today's reading has made me realise that it is a choice that i have to make, and if i make the choice to desire God's presence in me, then i have to fulfil my part and love others.

   it's so difficult, especially if they're people i don't like or can't understand, but God's commands are clear. i take comfort from the words, "In this way, love is made complete among us..." (v.17) it shows that love in our human relationships with each other cannot be perfected without God's presence and help, and that is something i'm slowly learning, even as i mull over various issues.

   i remember brandon sharing his thoughts on this passage during prayer meeting one day, and he said that this verse, "but perfect love drives out fear..." (v.18) means a lot to him. for me i'm just filled with gratitude for the fact that the cross has enabled us to love God, to know and understand His love, and not just to fear and obey Him. i thank God that we no longer have to go through those elaborate cleansing rituals in the Old Testament before we can meet Him. He is a very near God, a very personal God, and that just means so much to me.

   the last thing that struck me was this bold assertion, "If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar." (v.20) it's scary because there's absolutely no way out of loving God without loving others. i guess it's probably because it's in the relationships that we cultivate with others, when we make an effort to love in the manner that God first loved us, that we slowly begin to appreciate what His love truly means, and that enables us to love Him with even greater intensity and sincerity.

   my hope is that somehow, in my own small way, i might have challenged someone to dare to love others more, to dare to love others, strangers even, with the same extravagant love that we have been blessed with. this passage has similarly motivated me to evaluate my relationships and how i react to people, especially those i don't really like, and see whether my actions have reflected my Christian faith.

   shall leave you with a song that we sang at youth today. i love the many roles and names that are attributed to God in the chorus, it helps me to remember that there is so much more to God, and that i've a long way to go in understanding who He is.

I will bless the Lord forever

I will trust Him at all times

He has delivered me from all fears

He has set my feet upon a rock

And I will not be moved

And I'll say of the Lord

*You are my shield, my strength

My fortress, deliverer

My shelter, strong tower

My very present help in times of need

Whom have I in heaven but You

There is none I desire besides You

For You have made me glad

And I'll say of the Lord

   "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

   i've been thinking about the issue of God's will, knowing what He wants for my life etcetc, and He has given me quite a few interesting thoughts to mull over. today's youth message was on keeping my perspective on God, and at the end the speaker mentioned the above verse under his point of how we need to get our thought processes right, because thoughts lead to habits which lead to a person. and this verse kept replaying in my head, perhaps because it's a commonly-memorised verse, and also because recently i've been seeking God and asking Him what His will is, especially since i'm nearing certain crossroads in my life.

   God impressed upon me just now that God's will isn't some fiery thunderbolt from heaven which we've to accept mindlessly, but it is something that we can apply our mental processes to ("test and approve what God's will is"). we are allowed to check and go through it - and reject it if we do not want to obey it. since there's the element of human choice in it, what leads us to discerning God's will is the part that comes before, "but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then, you will be able to test and approve..." the conditional clause there indicates very clearly that God's will is not some far-off, obscure dream, but it is something which we can understand, if only our minds are aligned with God. it makes sense, because if our thoughts are continually filled with our personal aspirations and secular things, it is inevitable that God's "still, small voice", when filtered through all the things of this world, becomes lost and obscured.

   this week i've been spending a lot of time at home, and i've grown to understand my dog a lot more. watching her pad around the house and sleep in all her favourite corners, feeding her and studying with her on my lap... all these have helped me to know her moods better. similarly, i've learnt that a good way of knowing God's will is to just spend time with Him. sometimes i fall into this trap of praying "dear God please speak to me during QT today amen" then speedreading my passage for the day, praying a cursory prayer (usually for God to help me study better) and then rushing off to mug. and that leaves God with hardly enough time to tell me the things that are on His heart. so i'm now slowly trying to spend more time with God, to meditate on His Word, and just to know Him better, because i think i will then be more sensitive and able to discern what His thoughts are. 

   Over all the earth, You reign on high

   Every mountain stream, every sunset sky

   But my one request, Lord my only aim

   Is that You reign in me again

   *Lord reign in me, reign in Your power

   Over all my dreams, in my darkest hour

   'Cos You are the Lord of all I am

   So won't You reign in me again  

   Over every thought, over every word

   May my life reflect the beauty of my Lord

   'Cos You mean more to me than any earthly thing

   So won't You reign in me again

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

   last night was pretty bad on all accounts, i've not felt so alone and helpless in a very long time. but even in the midst of all the sadness and jumbled up feelings and not knowing what else to do, God was there for me. these few days have taught me that even when everything, friends, family, achievements, have passed away, God's Word, and His eternal love, "will never pass away." (Matthew 24:35) i'm glad that He's teaching me the value of finding my confidence in Him and not in anyone, anything else, because ultimately this is the first and greatest commandment, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." (Matthew 22:37)

   this song meant a lot to me last night.

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
And stepped in and saved the day
Once again, I say Amen, and it is still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
As Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You've never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

I lift my eyes into the hills
Where does my help come from
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of heaven and earth

-"Praise You in this storm", Casting Crowns

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

*Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

   "In that day the Branch of the Lord will be beautiful and glorious, and the fruit of the land will be the pride and glory of the survivors in Israel. Those who are left in Zion, who remain in Jerusalem, will be called holy, all who are recorded among the living in Jerusalem. The Lord will wash away the filth of the women of Zion; He will cleanse the bloodstains from Jerusalem by a spirit of judgement and a spirit of fire. Then the Lord will create over all of Mount Zion and over those who assemble there a cloud of smoke by day and a glow of flaming fire by night; over all the glory will be a canopy. It will be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain." Isaiah 4:2-6

   i've been reading isaiah recently and this passage really spoke to me, because it paints such a beautiful picture of Jesus reigning on earth after the tribulation. it makes me want to live till then, even though i'll have to endure a lot of hardship before that. this passage, in all its inability to describe fully, is already infused with a sense of awe at God's power and glory, and i can't even begin to comprehend what it will actually be like, living for eternity in God's presence. my mind can't grasp the concept of eternity, but i just know for sure that it will be good, if i am with Him.

   we sang this song during prayer meeting today and it moved me, especially the chorus, because it reminded me of how i have to make the choice: to worship and obey Him, or not at all. even in the passage above, isaiah talks about how those who remain at the end are those who are "called holy". the only mark of distinction is holiness, and i want to be holy. today andrew talked about how Jesus' life is what we should aspire to, because His life reflects all the theology in the Bible. He was fully human, yet He also lived in a very godly manner. i've learnt that now i can't claim that i don't know how to be a good Christian, because Christ's life is the perfect example for me to follow.

   today has been a very good day for me. :) free worship during prayer meeting made me feel peaceful, especially when the songs we sang somehow all had the common theme of remembering God's love. lunch later with elg, wx, ella, jo and andrew was very fun and it made me less stressed, because we were talking all sorts of nonsense and it was a good experience. i just hope that prelims and holidays will not see us drifting away.

   so i had a good day and i thank God for that.