"Give thanks to the Lord, call on His name; make known among the nations what He has done. Sing to Him, sing praise to Him; tell of all His wonderful acts. Glory in His holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always."

(Psalm 105:1-4)

   today i shall tell of what God has done for me this last week, when i was stuck in my muck of doubts and worries. it has been a rough period, because somehow i suddenly found myself unable to trust Him with the things i care about most: relationships, and my future. i used to be quite sage about these two, and actually a little prideful in how i've managed to trust Him with them. well, this week really humbled me because i found myself in the depths of despair (heh quite melodramatic), and crying out to Him every single night. it was frightening because somehow i just couldn't see God, every thing i read in the Bible was dry, i couldn't accept His promises at all, i didn't want to pray, i doubted whether He was able to forgive me... it really shook me because i was doubting the basic tenets of my faith (e.g. prayer, faith etc) and i've not felt so far away from Him in a long time.

   there was quite a lot of self-loathing at that time, because i saw all my sins in stark focus, and i couldn't get over them. i couldn't understand how God could possibly love me, even though i worry and get depressed every few weeks, about the same few things too. and i couldn't bring myself to trust Him with my relationships and future, because i told Him that i couldn't see how He could work things out for good, and so i wouldn't trust Him.

   but i thank God that somehow gradually He lifted me up from my despair and showed me that His love is far beyond anything i can ever imagine. His grace encompasses all my faults and worries and fears. i can't pinpoint a definite turning point, but by His grace, and with the prayers of my friends, He helped me to slowly see Him once again, as the Lord of my life, with infinite grace to spare.

   a significant moment was on fri morning, when i was sitting at the bus stop waiting to go to school. there was a puddle of water right before me, and an image of a nearby tree reflected in it. i saw that even though the occasional breeze would cause ripples to form on the surface of the puddle, yet despite everything, i could still see the image of the tree very clearly. God taught me then that His nature is like that tree: His glory is reflected in all the situations that i'm in. and that even though trials might sometimes cause my perception of Him to blur a bit, yet His nature still shines through - His nature of everlasting love, faithfulness, peace and grace.

   right now i just want to thank Him for lifting me up once more. this period has helped me to see Him as my "Restorer", someone who has restored me to full knowledge of His love again. it has also emphasised the importance of the body of Christ, because i say with full certainty that it has been the prayers of my friends that has sustained me through the week.

   shall end off with a song that touched me today, because it expresses my desire to remain humble and broken before the Lord. i don't want to become prideful again, i want to continually seek Him and trust Him with all the things i care about. i love my God :)

A broken spirit and a contrite heart
You will not despise, You will not despise.
You desire truth in the inward parts
A broken spirit and a contrite heart.
Lord, my heart is prone to wander
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here’s my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Your courts above.